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Can’t a Wife refuse Sexual Intimacy?
Question: I have read that its a religious order for a woman to obey her husband whenever he asks her to come on his bed. And if she refuses and her husband spends whole night angrily then angels curse that woman. But tell me what if the husband regards her wife as a sex object? What if she doesn’t want to go to bed with him? Women are human beings not sex objects. Why has Islam ordered a wife to fulfill all the sexual desires of her husband without taking into account her own feelings?
Answer: You are probably referring to the following hadith:
Abu Hurayrah narrated from the Prophet: If a husband calls his wife to go to bed with him and she refuses and the husband spends the night in anger [at her refusal], then the angels curse her till dawn. (Bukhari: No. 2998)
It needs to be realized that a husband and wife, besides fulfilling various other aspects of the divine plan, are like the guardians of each other’s moral conduct. Therefore, if a husband approaches his wife to fulfill his sexual desire in normal circumstances, he would expect that she show her consent. Of course, If she is tired, ill or is not in the proper frame of mind, it is the husband who should adjust to the situation. The above quoted hadith pertains to a refusal by the wife without any genuine reason because all directives of the Prophet (sws) have common sense exceptions.
Similarly, if a husband sees that his wife needs him for the same purpose he too should not refuse without a reason. This of course is a matter of reciprocation and is a requisite of politeness. In other words, both husband and wife are the addressee of such a directive. The reason that women are given this directive is that in societies which are not perverted it is men who generally take the initiative in matters of sexual intimacy.
Dealing with Bad Husbands
Question: There is a problem faced by my mother’s friend. Her husband does not treat her in a good way. Although he provides her with clothes and shelter, he is engaged in illicit activities. He comes home late at night and once a lady saw him with another woman. And when she inquires he gets upset. That woman can’t do anything because if she asks for divorce she has no place to live. What should she do? How can Allah guide her husband to the right path?
Answer: This indeed is a pathetic situation. Your mother’s friend is indeed facing a great ordeal and it seems that she is dealing with a ‘chronic patient’. Such a husband is really a great trial for the wife – as is life as a whole. She of course has very few options. Living alone as you rightly said is not easy at all for a divorced woman. And living with such a husband is equally difficult. Maybe some elder who has influence on the person can be asked to counsel him but again such adults may not be easy to find these days.
Whether she opts to live in misery or she decides to seek divorce, she should be aware that life is a place of trials and tribulations. A person is sometimes tried through his closes relations and this indeed is a emotionally rupturing experience. We have been told to bear such vicissitudes of life with patience and forbearance. We should keep praying to the Almighty to grant us steadfastness and resolve to fight out the situation with a high moral character. This of course might also help in melting the heart of such a callous husband.
The Correct Version of Islam
Question: How can I be certain that I am following the right version of Islam. There are so many sects and diverse views that one tends to get confused and afraid also. The reason is that one might end up with the wrong version of Islam. What should one do then?
Answer: In my humble opinion, one basic thing needs to be understood: Human intellect, you would agree, has its own limitations. It can falter and err and of course be different in different scholars. Hence the different interpretations of certain directives of Islam are but a natural outcome of this premise. In this regard, the real thing is the arguments which are presented in support of a viewpoint. A person is required to weigh these arguments in the scales of sense and reason and decide which one appeals to his intellect the most. He should adopt that particular viewpoint, since he would be held accountable according to his own understanding of religion.
Furthermore, no one is guided by divine revelation after the termination of the institution of Prophethood with the departure of Muhammad (sws) and it is his or her judgement which must be exercised. Therefore, no one can be certain whether he has attained the absolute truth or not. He must keep his eyes and ears open to criticism and cling to whatever he thinks to be the truth till he has reason to abandon it and accept a new premise as truth. Moreover, in adopting or forming an opinion in religious matters, the real thing is sincerity of judgement. As long as a person is sincere in exercising his judgement, it does not matter what conclusion is reached. As the Prophet of Allah has put it: a person who strives to form an opinion can reach the right conclusion and he can also reach the wrong one; if he reaches the right conclusion he will be rewarded twice in magnitude and if he is lead to the wrong conclusion he shall still be rewarded though of single magnitude. This shows that the real thing in this regard is the sincerity of effort put in.
Was Eve created from Adam’s Rib?
Question:Was Eve actually created from Adam’s rib? What is the meaning of the following Hadith?
Allah’s Apostle said: Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion; so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely. (Bukhari, Kitab Ahadith al-ambiya)
Answer:It is not correct that Eve was created from Adam’s rib. The first verse of Surah Nisa explicitly states that the first man and woman (Adam and Eve) were created directly by the Almighty:
O mankind! Fear your Lord who created you from a single soul and of like nature his mate and from the two scattered [like seeds] countless men and women. (4:1)
Some people translate this verse as ‘It is he Who has created you from a single person (Adam) and then He created from him his wife (Eve)’. They explain this verse by saying that Eve was created from the rib of Adam. This misleading translation has probably arisen because of the Arabic words khalaqa minha zawjaha, which if literally translated mean ‘created from him [–the initial soul–] his wife’. Actually the word minha (from the soul) does not imply that ‘Eve was made from Adam’; they rather imply that Eve was made from the same species as Adam. A similar verse points to this interpretation:
It is God who has made from your species your mates. (16:72)
A literal translation of the original words ja‘ala lakum min anfusikum azwaja of the above quoted verse (which are very similar to khalaqa minha zawjaha) would mean ‘it is God which has created your mates from you’ implying that every wife is made from her husband as Eve was. This of course is incorrect; the word anfus (plural of nafs) in this verse means ‘genre’, ‘species’ and not ‘physical being’.
As far as the H~adith you have quoted is concerned, it needs to be appreciated that in Arabic the words ‘created from’ do not necessarily refer to the substance of creation; they can also refer to the nature of something. For example the Qur’an says: ‘Man has been created from hastiness’, (21:37). This does not of course mean that man’s substance is hastiness; it only refers to his nature.
Secondly, if all the texts of the Hadith you have referred to are collected and analyzed, it becomes evident that the Prophet (sws) has compared the nature of a woman with a rib. The comparison subtly alludes to the fact that a woman’s nature is very delicate and tender as well as a bit adamant. The Prophet (sws) has advised men to treat them tactfully keeping in view this nature. Instead of forcing them to accept a particular point of view, men should try to convince and persuade them.
Reading vs Understanding the Qur’an
Question: Ever since childhood I have been forced to learn to recite the Qur’an in Arabic. I have always had problems with it and I have never been really fluent in reciting the Qur’an in Arabic. I personally believe that instead of wasting time in trying to learn the Arabic recitation I should be reading a translation of the Qur’an along with an in-depth analysis of its meanings. What is the importance of reciting the Qur’an without understanding it?
Answer: Reading the Qur’an in order to understand and seek guidance from it should be the primary objective of a Muslim. This can only be achieved if he or she knows the meanings of the language. It is perfectly all right to read the Qur’an in one’s own language to start with. The Arabic recitation should be learnt so that it is the first step towards reading the Qur’an and understanding it directly from Arabic, which I assure just requires at best a year long effort. The affect of reading the original Arabic words and also being able to grasp their meanings is tremendous and it really stirs the heart. So one should try to take out time for this all important task. Till this end is achieved he or she should of course keep reading the Qur’an with an appropriate translation.
Dealing with a Weak Convert
Question: I have a problem and will be thankful if you could help me. I have a very close catholic friend since 1996. Sometime ago, he started asking questions about Islam. I naturally tried to answer his questions. Whenever, I was not able to, I would just refer him to various books. Weeks after weeks passed by till he told me that he wanted to convert to Islam. I told him: ‘Are you sure, because this is no joke; this is a commitment to God; I don’t want you to convert to Islam just because you have found a friend who loves you and this is your way to get closer to him. If you want to be a Muslim, be sure it’s because you have realized you really want to be one, not because your best friend is one.’ He answered: ‘I want to be a Muslim because I have found a lot of answers.’ My brother didn’t really agree that my best friend should become a Muslim because he knew that my best friend’s state was weak and unstable. The decision was pushed through and I asked my friend to say the Shahadah. It was fine at first: he learned how to pray, memorized some surahs with my help and even had a Qur’an with translation; unfortunately now, it’s like he doesn’t give any importance towards religion, its practices, and he never prays. The last time I asked him about his state three days ago, his answer was: ‘I don’t know I’m so confused; in Catholicism there are a lot of wrong things and in Islam I don’t know. I somehow feel like I haven’t found the answer...’ I just answered him: ‘Remember you made a commitment to God not to me or somebody else; Islam is not a religion where force is present, I never forced you to enter this religion, nor even persuaded you, I just answered your questions.’ He even eats pork, drinks alcohol from time to time. By the way, none of his family members know he converted; only my family and a few of my Muslim friends know this ‘secret’. The question now is: What should I do? Should I give him space so that he realizes by himself? or should I be stern and say or do something?
Answer: Your responsibility in this regard is to keep reminding him gently and patiently whenever the time is appropriate. You should continue with this as long as you can. If he does not listen or does not mend his ways, then making him do so or forcing him is not your responsibility at all. In fact, it is not allowed by Islam. Your friend must practice Islam of his own free will, and if he does not, then he alone will have to face the consequences and not you of course.
We know from the Qur’an that the Prophet (sws) was very anxious and concerned on the evasive attitude of his people. His extreme desire for them to accept faith finds mention at a number of places in the Holy Book. At some of these places, he has been comforted, in fact affectionately chided by the Almighty that making people accept faith is not his duty. His responsibility is only to present guidance to them. It is Allah alone who gives guidance to people according to His law: He only guides people who are worthy of being guided; the rebellious He guides not. (See for example: 16:37, 28:56, 88:21-2).
So, I would I advise you to keep urging and exhorting your friend to the truth. Also, in this regard, you will find it useful to begin first with nurturing in him love for the Almighty and with reminding of him of the Hereafter. Once his concepts are set right in these spheres, following the directives of the Almighty will hopefully become easier for him.
The Exemplary Personality of the Prophet (sws)
Question: We Muslims have been asked to follow the Prophet (sws). Can you shed some light on his exemplary conduct?
Answer: In the towering personality of the Prophet (sws), human attributes reached their pinnacle. For more than six decades, he graced this world, and throughout this period his character remained immaculate. The following words of the Qur’an bear ample testimony to the lofty stature of his personality:
And you are at an exalted standard of character. (68:4)
The Prophet (sws), in his life adopted the principle in which good deeds are done towards fellow human beings irrespective of the attitude they adopt in return. It was this high moral character which, in the words of the Qur’an, became an example for the Muslims:
You have indeed in the Prophet of Allah an exemplary character. (33:21)
It is said that ‘No man is a hero to his valet’; yet the personality of the Prophet (sws) was a glaring exception to this principle. The closer a person came to his person, the greater was his testimony regarding his nobility. In the short space of an answer, it is very difficult to encompass all the facets of his personality. I will confine myself to citing the views of three people of his own times: Khadijah, his first wife. Anas (rta), his personal attendant and Abu Sufyan when he was a great enemy of Islam
After he received his first revelation at the age of forty, he first of all made it known to Khadijah. Her remarks at his apprehensions were: ‘No it will not be so I swear by God; He will never make you sad for you are kind to your relatives, you speak the truth, you are faithful in trust, you bear the affliction of the people, you spend in good works what you gain in trade; you are hospitable and you assist your fellow men.
Anas (rta), says that never once in ten years of his service did the Prophet (sws) ever scold him on some error by saying: ‘Why have you done this?’ or reprimanded him on forgetting to do something by saying: ‘Why have you not done this?’
When Abu Sufyan was called to the presence of the great Roman emperor Heraclius, he was minutely questioned by the monarch about the Prophet (sws). In spite, of being one of the greatest enemies of Islam at that time, he could not point a finger to the Prophet’s integrity. Here is an account of the conversation between him and Heraclius which shines with the brightness of the midday sun among the testimonies of a foe of Islam:
Narrated ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbas (rta); Abu Sufyan Ibn H~arb informed me that Heraclius had sent a messenger to him while he had been accompanying a caravan from Quraysh. They were merchants doing business in Syria at the time when Allah’s Prophet had truce with Abu Sufyan and the Quraysh. So Abu Sufyan and his Companions went to Heraclius at I^lya (Jerusalem). Heraclius called them in the court and he had all the senior Roman dignitaries around him. He called for his translator who, translating Heraclius’s question said to them: ‘Who amongst you is closely related to that man who claims to be a Prophet?’ Abu Sufyan replied: ‘I am the nearest relative to him [amongst the group]’.
Heraclius said: ‘Bring him [Abu Sufyan] close to me and make his companions stand behind him.’ Abu Sufyan added: ‘Heraclius told his translator to tell my companions that he wanted to put some questions to me regarding that man [the Prophet] and that if I told a lie they [my companions] should contradict me.’ Abu Sufyan added: ‘By Allah! Had I not been afraid of my companions labelling me a lair, I would not have spoken the truth about the Prophet (sws). The first question he asked me about him was:
‘What is his family status amongst you?’
I replied: ‘He belongs to a good (noble) family amongst us.’
Heraclius further asked: ‘Has anybody else amongst you ever claimed the same (ie to be a Prophet) before him?’
I replied: ‘No’.
He said: ‘Was anybody amongst his ancestors a king?’
I replied: ‘No’.
Heraclius asked: ‘Do the nobles or the poor follow him?’
I replied: ‘It is the poor who follow him.’
He said: ‘Are his followers increasing or decreasing [day by day]?’
I replied: ‘They are increasing’.
He then asked: ‘Does anybody amongst those who embrace his religion become displeased and renounce the religion afterwards?’
I replied: ‘No.’
Heraclius said: ‘Have you ever accused him of telling lies before his claim [to be a Prophet]?’
I replied: ‘No.’
Heraclius said: ‘Does he break his promises?’
I replied: ‘No. we are at truce with him but we do not know what he will do in it.’ I could not find opportunity to say anything against him except that.
Heraclius asked: ‘Have you ever had a war with him?’
I replied: ‘Yes’.
Then he said: ‘What was the outcome of the battles?’
I replied: ‘Sometimes he was victorious and sometimes we.’
Heraclius said: ‘What does he order you to do?’
I said: ‘He tells us to worship Allah and Allah alone and not to worship anything along with Him, and to renounce all that our ancestors had said. He orders us to pray, to speak the truth, to be chaste and to keep good relations with our kith and kin’.
Heraclius asked the translator to convey to me the following:
‘I asked you about his family and your reply was that he belonged to a very noble family. In fact all Prophets come from noble families amongst their respective peoples. I questioned you whether anybody else amongst you claimed such a thing, your reply was in the negative. If the answer had been in the affirmative, I would have thought that this man was following the previous man’s claim. Then I asked you whether anyone of his ancestors was a king. Your reply was in the negative, and if it had been in the affirmative, I would have thought that this man wanted to take back his ancestral kingdom. I further asked whether he was ever accused of telling lies before he said what he said, and your reply was in the negative. So I wondered how a person who does not tell a lie about others could ever tell a lie about Allah. I then asked you whether the rich people followed him or the poor. You replied that it was the poor who followed him. And in fact all the Prophets have been followed by this very class of people. Then I asked you whether his followers were increasing or decreasing. You replied that they were increasing, and in fact this is the way of true faith till it is complete in all respects. I further asked you whether there was anybody, who, after embracing his religion, became displeased and discarded his religion. Your reply was in the negative, and indeed this is [the sign of] true faith, when its delight enters the hearts and mixes with them completely. I asked you whether he had ever betrayed. You replied in the negative and likewise the Prophets never betray. Then I asked you what he ordered you to do. You replied that he ordered you to worship Allah and Allah alone and not to worship any thing along with Him and forbade you to worship idols and ordered you to pray, to speak the truth and to be chaste. If what you have said is true, he will very soon occupy this place underneath my feet and I knew it [from the scriptures] that he was going to appear but I did not know that he would be from you, and if I could reach him definitely, I would go immediately to meet him and if I were with him, I would certainly wash his feet.’ (Bukhari: No. 7)